He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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