she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
