Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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