walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
