My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
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