o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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