I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
