I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
