Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
did i walk over a car last night?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
