I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
