I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
