she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
