yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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