Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
