listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
