highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
