I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He kissed a someone with a penis
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
