I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize