I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
did you just send me my own nude
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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