I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
