Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
