i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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