i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
