note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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