we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Congratulations! We have a period
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
