I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
