I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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