We named our party play list daddy issues
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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