I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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