the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize