I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
