I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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