This is not my ceiling
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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