i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
