Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
