i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
