Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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