the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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