Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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