I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
