there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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