my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
