I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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