I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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