I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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