just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You're my little dorito
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
