i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i came on her dog
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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