well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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