so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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