I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Randomize
