dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize