I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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