is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
