Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
