I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was born a porn star she said
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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