So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
