was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
