He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize