Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
