Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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