I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
