I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
