Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize