I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize