omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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