Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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