what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
